Or… how to be a good friend to anyone who is in some way different or out of the norm.
I answered a question on Quora about why it “sucks” to be trans and answering a friend’s comment realized that most of the problem roots in the difference of trans people from the norm and the unfamiliarity of people with trans people leading to a kind of xenophobia.
You’re all saying “well duh”, well not so duh at that. It is obvious that this leads to violence and direct abuse and discrimination. But those can, to some extent, be dealt with through legislation, education and policing. Imperfect? For sure, just look at domestic spousal abuse or the general issue of crime, and it is clearly not a trivial problem. But the great bane for trans people is legally allowed discrimination in areas such as housing, medical care, and employment and those are entirely tractable.
So what do I mean by being a good friend then? Being a good friend to a trans person is more akin to being a friend to anyone different than yourself. There’s a fine line to walk between understandable curiosity and objectification and invasion of privacy. There’s a lot in common with being the friend of someone with a genetic disorder, an illness, from an exotic locale, or just a different religion.
Do try to think about whether tacit permission has been given for that level of intimacy before asking a question. If I’ve talked about medical procedures it might be fair game to ask me what else I was thinking about doing, but not otherwise. Just like anyone, it is never proper to poke for answers that aren’t forthcoming – they aren’t owed you or anyone.
The focus should always be on the friendship and the person. The person should never feel objectified; like they are a trans person you’ve befriended. “You know I have this collection of friends, two trans people, one cancer patient….” got it?
Some things should probably never be introduced by you:
- Their original (dead) name
- What they looked like – can I see a picture
- Are you a woman/man now
Any of these may well be offered up freely but all can be very touchy. The last is, for many people, a work in progress or a question in search of an answer. They also change over time. I haven’t ever been inclined to give out my dead name. I used to show my old picture because it’s shockingly different, now I usually do it for doubting trans people to show that things can come out right.
For the last I’ve only really become somewhat confident in saying I’m a kind of woman now. Even there I qualify.
To sum up: Remember we’re people and treat us gently because we’re very fragile.
My Gifted Life 