My Gifted Life

I had to think awhile before writing this. I didn’t want it to be about the event that inspired it, especially since that experience wasn’t unique. It is part of an ongoing pattern that really hurts  me deeply and I imagine other trans people too.

We’ve made good progress in this world. There’s a good deal less hateful behavior, although our not too supportive president has inspired increases in violence toward LGBT+ individuals. Not that Mike Pence would be an improvement.

But at least some states protect our civil rights and that is something to be thankful for. We shouldn’t be content; it is less than half the country where we are treated like proper citizens, guarded against being thrown out of public venues and housing at somebody’s whim.

Here in the Northeast and in particular Massachusetts we are supposedly in the land of progressive thought and behavior, but in fact my experience says that either this counts for little or that the rest of the country is a true horror show for people like me.  Maybe it’s a mix of both.

I’ve been subject to a great deal of apathy if not antipathy. Everything from no contact from coworkers while out on medical leave to events where practically nobody attends to care needed but only given because someone close to me works behind the  scenes to force people to do it.

If one thing was the extent of it then you might just say that people had conflicts or were unavailable, but this pattern has repeated over and over. The notable exception was my 60th birthday party, but one expects friends to show up, doesn’t one?

A friend of mine told me, before I transitioned, about a software engineer in his organization who ironically enough shared the same dead name as mine. He talked about the trials and tribulations she had gone through at work being isolated socially and even physically, being judged with harsh standards compared to before her transition.

I wouldn’t trade my new life in, but I do miss people being my friends without complications and misunderstandings. I miss being part of a couple. I miss my old relationship with my daughter.

But I know full well that there was no option that allowed for any of that. My new life   has potential for all of it, but health and age make it complex and a weary task to take on when I should be crawling under a comforter…

Here’s where I should say something comforting to people contemplating this path, but I’m not going to. I think it is of paramount importance that you understand the gravity of the choice you’re making. It may be true that you fear suicide or deep depression if you don’t, but while going down this path is better, or may be better for you, it is painful and a lot of work. Don’t follow this path unless you’re willing to work hard and continue to work hard after you fail, because you will have failures. Nobody who presents well got there without first ironing out problems, and the same for every other aspect of transition.

God bless you and may your transition be a damn sight easier than mine.