For many years before I came out I not only knew I was transgender but was having some real degree of struggle with it. Over the years I found various coping mechanisms.
Early, when I was twenty one I took dance classes in ballet. They allowed that feminine side of me an expression. I wasn’t dressed any different, but it was still a help.
I moved to Massachusetts to start work and found a modern dance class. There I wore tights and a leotard. It was fantastic. It was also an intense workout! But I did that for awhile and it was a form of dressing for me.
Then I reacted subconsciously and started taking a karate class. Alas! Not the worse thing, but it cooped up that girl child in me again.
After I married, I started buying these briefs that Jockey made. They looked just like women’s underwear but were designed for men. They were close enough to make me feel better. Around then I also started using a nail buff to smooth my nails. The two of them became my shield against admitting my issue.
Then, about fifteen years ago that started to be a problem and I started browsing the internet for information about transitioning, reassignment surgery, and photos of the results of reassignment surgery. I would spend time thinking about it at 2am and then carefully erase my history and go back to bed.
Probably ten years ago things started affecting me physically and emotionally in a way that made functioning difficult on many levels. I’m not going into details here on the physical stuff. Emotionally it was a slow descent into depression and six years ago I came out.
How would my life have been different had I been born today? I really wouldn’t give up my wife and daughter, but I’d be a fool to say I wouldn’t pick a different path. Today I probably would have been comfortable telling my parents. Today I would have had access to puberty blockers. Today I might still have children using stored sperm or adoption or some future tech.
My Gifted Life 