For most of my life I was a man. After I came out people would say they didn’t have any idea that my actions, behaviors, and communications hadn’t come from a genuine place. There was a reason for this. I learned early on to hide the unusual thoughts I lived with. .
I was raised as a male and like most other people modeled my behavior according to societal expectations. Like others I received negative feedback when I wandered outside the norm. So like any good creature I sought positive feedback and I avoided punishment.
This is not a particularly subtle process, and aside from people who are mentally scarred in some way, it mostly works. You do have to talk about sociopaths, psychopaths, and other people with disorders separately, but often, given normal kids and normal parents it works out well.
When this doesn’t work out then we end up with various problems because the person is a round peg in a square hole. Some are just broken dolls, some can be repaired and some we toss aside in prisons and mental institutions.
All this is a long winded way of saying that I tried to follow instruction and advice and resembled an actual guy. I found tools endlessly fascinating, loved building things and wasn’t the most keen observer. I endeavored to be self sufficient to the extent I could.
So I try my best to listen and appreciate the complexity of modern life. I learned how to be female by observation and emulation and became less opinionated regardless of the subject. While it is the typical male impulse to act like an expert and I don’t offer opinions as much.
But I still sttruggle with this, To start with I found myself listening a lot more and thinking about other facts than just the ones I knew. I consider those other opinions, and don’t feel so tied down to a particular viewpoint. I’ve also started to understand and appreciate opposing viewpoints. These days I’ve really changed my attitude about so many different things.
Estrogen helps, it does a lot to make me more mellow. I leave you with this thought. While I get various kinds ppof t me I’ve changed, I am unaware of what and how I’ve changed to accomplish this, So I leave you with this thought. Just as I couldn’t predict my physical appearance, neither could I have predicted the extent I would change mentally. My insight is that having allowed for things to happen as needed that im happy most of the time. A far cry from my days of despair. Think good thoughts and seek peace always.
My Gifted Life 