Again the holidays are coming round and as welcoming and wonderful as they are for those with loved ones near, they can be horrid for those of us adrift. I tried to look for a safe harbor to celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked various friends if they knew of someone with space.
My plans are to cook a small but complete dinner for myself. I might as well. I found a small frozen Turkey roast that is of a modest weight and I can carve it for sandwiches after Thursday. I’ll binge watch TV – about all I’m good for now. Maybe a miracle will happen and someone will actually remember me and call.
It is hard to really convey how bittersweet this is. People like to focus on our having made our choice as if we were picking from a palette of equal things like what color to paint the dining room walls. Sure we make a choice; we choose to live and not to go down the path of madness and suicide. Then we are punished for living.
The first year I wasn’t able to go to the holidays we went to my sister’s for Thanksgiving. It was nice, she hadn’t met Rachel in person before. For Christmas I was going to go to my mother in law’s. I had only been on HRT for a few months so the changes were very minor and I had agreed to her conditions. But at the last minute it was clear that she was going to be checking every vowel and consonant I uttered lest I talk about my situation. Finally I stayed home and my wife stayed with me.
Nothing’s changed except that going in male mode is, of course, out of the question now. My voice is wrong, my face probably wouldn’t pass and none of my documents would be right. Plus I’d have to wear baggy tops. But they just don’t want me, so it isn’t even a question.
For those of you who do have a place to be, warmth of friends and family to gather round and good cheer, say a little prayer and think of us without. Not just trans people but all those that family and society would rather not see. That family finds embarrassing, and society finds improper.
After all, we wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
My Gifted Life 
Hi there sweety, I have to say I know exactly what you saying. Last year was the first without my parents or siblings for any holiday, this year the first without my now ex-wife. My phone is not being rang off the wall, no texts or emails or even a care of what I am doing or how I am feeling for the thanksgiving much less for any other holiday. I am slowly falling into a sadness for this Tday and well, I do have things to be thankful for, but still I am alone. Hope you have a better day than you are portraying in this post. And well, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
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