My Gifted Life

First, a short note. My dear friend Richard pointed out a wonderful performance that one can view on pbs.org that honors Joni Mitchell who was certainly a favorite performer of my youth. Given what she’s been through, it was great to see her doing so well.

But onto other things. Life is better for the most part, I’ve grown less shy about reaching out to make new friends, even if some of them believe in the Donald. One should value people for who they are and not some litmus test to see if they fit like some pair of shoes. On the down side I’ve been plagued with depression that has really kept me from that which normally would be powering me. Music and art have been sadly neglected. I’m not any great musician, although I once was a competent singer, pianist and guitarist. These days singing can be a struggle, guitar seems impossible but luckily I can still play the piano, at least for my own joy and entertainment.

I’ve grown to have to settle for days of moderate depression that keeps me from my joys and drains the colors from many fun things. Perhaps there will be progress in the future. One should maintain at least some degree of optimism. I’m intending to try some new things that might help like meditation. If nothing else it will allow me to let go of some of those insistent and useless diatribes my brain raises to distract me.

Well two days ago was particularly bad. My state had been deteriorating over a couple of weeks but it turned into a full blown panic attack. I managed the attack, which was good, but it still left me in a horrible way. I can sink to incredible lows in that state and I’ll just say that it’s good that I don’t seriously consider suicide. That night I was that depressed.

I called the suicide hotline. Even without the desire to end it all I still needed a person to help me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life is that sometimes you need other people to help you. Maybe god looked for a quiet moment to slip that idea of calling the hotline into my head. The wonderful person I talked with was like a miracle. She helped me find my way back out of the swamp and led me back to some things that bring me joy. Now I can see what the future will bring which I have so much curiosity for.

It was a miracle. I woke this morning and felt like a new person. I still had the pain I live with, but it didn’t seem so important. I practically danced around my apartment, listened to Bach and made a real breakfast. I was reminded that I love to cook, which I had somehow forgotten. I just felt fantastic and alive.

Now I just need to bottle up that feeling for the blue days.

I do sometimes wish I could explain to those who don’t understand depression what it’s like to live with it. My only advice to those who have those they care about and love with depression is to remember a few basic things. Having depression isn’t someone’s fault and people with depression aren’t sad. Comparing depression to sad is like comparing a summer storm with a hurricane. Resist the temptation to say trite things like snap out of it and cheer up. If we could do so we’d do it. There are a lot of different treatments, so if you are involved, please make sure they get competent mental health professionals to help them.

If you’re one of the folks I know personally, resist the temptation of engaging me on the subject. I’d much rather talk about something else.

Last, I know I used a dark scary and somewhat cursed word. Please be assured that I’m not going to hurt myself. I’m all talk and no action, you should know that by now.