It’s been about ten years since I started hormones, as good a demarcation line as any. I had an image of what I thought I wanted to be, but really I had no idea who Rachel was. How she would arise out of the person who had lived all his life as a man and only really knew male privilege and male social behavior. He would stand aside with the other men while the women put away the leftovers from the party. He would not know how to help when a female collogue was disrespected or ignored.
In short he had no idea what being a woman was like, he just knew that being a man no longer fit his soul. That it brought him pain and the only apparent solution was to embrace the feminine. Like most undergoing this journey the focus was at first on the unimportant and trivial. She could wear a dress or a skirt without approbation, yea! but very quickly she learned that being a woman had little to do with these surface details. After all, some women glam it up, some go in for fancy outfits where others would just as soon spend their clothing budget on activewear.
For the first couple of years some things were decided for me. There’s a near requirement on how to dress for work and the wearing of makeup. Soon enough I learned that while makeup could be fun it could also be really time consuming. But for the first year or two it was also an important thing to keep up with. I passed well but makeup enhanced that ability substantially and really you don’t want people to “clock” you on the street.
After a few years went by I started to have an actual sense of my personal style, and a full closet that covered most common needs. I fortunately didn’t need to get too crazy with business clothing. Alot of that’s gone now that I’m retired, I actually am sad, I really should have kept more of it. Ah well.
After some time I started to have my own collection of inappropriate behavior on the part of men to help me empathize with fellow female companions. I’m sure I didn’t make friends all the time. I actually told a collogue to shut up at one point. He didn’t know what he was talking about and I was tired of having him interrupt me. Perhaps an advantage to have been male once. I still had some aggression to use. He shut up 🙂
These days, ten years down the line, I’m happy and things are ok. I’m not working, to which I say just as well. I have real ailments to address so it’s good I don’t need to focus on my gender identity. I never have to worry about someone thinking I’m male, it just never ever happens.
Me? I’ve learned a whole different set of behaviors and social cues. What a pain. But the automatic comradery of women is a lovely thing. Being automatically treated as a non threat to children is lovely too.
These days being a woman is just another identifier about my life. It has upsides and downsides like everything in life. I surely miss being stronger at times. Occasionally I forget myself and a guy will remark about my having a strong grip. Woops. I’m just not that ladylike At least I don’t get competitive with the hand grip 🙂
Well, here’s hoping you’re all having a good day.
My Gifted Life 
This is lovely Rachel. I’m just over a year on HRT and loving it. I often wonder if when I reach 10 years, I will get to a point where I’m never thought of as male anymore. I’m in a very liberal city and passing is not something that I even think about. It feels good to finally be the way I’ve always wanted to be full time. It’s funny to think about how scared I was to go out in a dress a couple years ago! Wishing you all the best!
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Thank you for your lovely comments, if you had told me that I’d go through this in my fifties and avoided at least some of the most painful losses. If you had told me I’d not only pass but be even nice looking I would have thought you were having fun with me.
You’ve been through a lot in your first year. You’re probably feeling more relaxed and self accepting. I started going put in public before I was really at all passable, but for some reason going out and living enfemme was more important to me than public acceptance.
I congratulate you on your progress. It’s a difficult path but there’s really no other option if it’s what you need. I wish you all the best for your journey.
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